Alright, hot-shot. So it’s the future, you have time-travel capabilities and you want everyone to know about it. You know, of course that you can’t interrupt the course of human history, as this might alter the invention of time-travel and destroy your new toy, but nevertheless you want some kind of trophy to let the neighbours know you’ve got enough wonga for spacio-temporal vacationing.
Any sane man in this situation would resolve to travel to the late Cretaceous period and bring home the head of a T-Rex. In doing so you will irrefutably prove that:
- You are stronger than the strongest animal ever
- You can travel through time
- You know that a T-Rex head looks good placed above your front door. (or possibly integrated into a novelty doorbell)
However, before you go prancing off into the past, there are some things you should bear in mind.
Firstly – you absolutely must not fail. For one thing, you’ll get eaten. For another, imagine if pre-time-travel palaeontologists ever discovered a T-Rex fossil with a human skeleton inside its stomach! Chaos would ensue, it would be the end of science and time travel would never be invented. The world would likely be plunged into a Tyrannosaurus-worshipping holy war. AVOID THIS.
Next: Have you thought through the logistical issues in bringing that head back? Didn’t think so. To solve this dilemma, we have to look a little more closely at probable time travel technology…
A popular myth is that time travel is achieved by being in possession of a time-travel device, and holding onto it whilst it activates. Therefore, if you’re holding onto something else at the moment of departure, that thing will also be time-travelled. How many times have you seen Saturday morning cartoons where someone is rescued from a particular time purely in virtue of holding onto the time-traveller at the second he jumps back through time? Yeah, all the time. However, this clearly is madness. Think it through for a moment — what exactly is it about touching the time-traveller that sucks you along for the ride? If you’re standing on the ground when you time-travel, is the entire Earth moved along with you? how about all the oxygen molecules touching you? You’d end up sucking the entire universe through to a different time! It would collide with the universe you were travelling to, ending existence and it would all be your fault for subscribing to a nonsensical theory of object temporal-relocation.
No. Far more likely is that time travel devices will suck everything within a certain distance of the device through time. For safety reasons, this distance will likely be one that is roughly human-shaped. I imagine that the exact size will be slightly customisable to accommodate differently sized travellers (or if you’re feeling flash perhaps get one tailor-made to your body shape) but ultimately, you’re looking at an area roughly the size of you. Otherwise, you’d forever be bringing massive clods of earth, bits of tree, concrete and so on back with you. It would just make a mess.
Now, you’re unlikely to fit a T-Rex head in with you. If you can afford a time-travelling vehicle then perhaps you can load it in the boot, but otherwise, you’re pretty stuck. Trying to bring the whole head back with you would only result in you turning up back at your house with nothing to show for your journey but a bleeding bit of T-Rex jawbone. Not very display-friendly. I would recommend bringing some lightweight tools along with you to neatly saw your trophy into pieces, then making several trips back. If you’re careful, you can stitch the head back together once you’re done, and it’ll look every bit as neat. Follow the instructions below for more help:
Just cut along the dotted lines
Follow these simple rules to bring back a monstrous T-Rex head that’ll turn even the prissiest of neighbours green with envy.
p.s. I’m assuming that if you own a time-travel device then the means to bring down a T-Rex are also at your disposal. If not, try distracting it with a flare and then kicking it hard in the shins whilst its attention is diverted.
