Time for a new feature on ES, which, like all our features, will run about twice a year on slow news days. And, as pizza delivery and bitching about movies have no place on the internet, it’s time to cover; Conspiracy theories! (Which I have decided to spell with a ‘K’ in order to make them more sinister and mysterious).
Now, hopefully this will annoy people, and as we like to play fast and loose with our lives, let’s begin with some outspoken religious ridiculousness and see how much trouble we can get into. Our first conspiracy then, is a Swine flu based one. Now, as we all know, H1N1 has come to absolutely nothing, but it’s still managed to incite religious/race hatred online, as evidenced by this well balanced piece of representative journalism.
That’s correct gentle reader, it seems that Swine Flu has been created and released by the ‘White Man’ (I am assuming this refers to Col. Sanders), for..uhh..some reason. Quite possibly in order to depopulate the planet, thus thinning out the KFC customer base and driving himself out of business, it all starts to make perfect sense doesn’t it?
As we all know, “scientists made the Hog from a Cat, a Rat and a Dog (and possibly a Mouse)”, that’s not just religious mentalism my friends-that’s SCIENCE! Ancient science only written about on the internet, so it must be absolutely true.( Also, there is the disturbing news that Pork, and therefore Bacon sandwiches- are POISON! Delicious poison, but poison none the less. The entire British way of life is under threat! ) Fortunately, someone calling themselves the Honorable Elijah Muhammad is here to guide us:
“Medical scientists and our own doctors are fast learning, since I have been writing this article on HOW TO EAT TO LIVE and are now cooperating with me and agreeing with me that the hog is a poison that we should not eat, though they may be eating it themselves. But, they have to knowledge the truth. Some of them are intelligent enough now, for the last few years, to start getting away from eating it.”
That’s right, because any scientist discovering a poison does tend to continue to eat large amounts of it. We look forward to the next article with baited breath! Anyway, that’s enough conspiracy for this week, but check back regularly to see which dangerous, volatile group we’ll be knocking next.
