Ever since a few dorks decided to dress up as supoerheroes and patrol the streets-while noticably avoiding any kick-ass style action, those of us with a …more flexible morality… have been silently plotting, and today the plans bear bitter fruit my friends, with the launch of R.O.A.C.H, the worlds first (public) society of Supervillains!
If you happen to have the ability to heat up seminal fluid to 10,ooo degrees, or explode people’s dogs, or just built a wacky super-science weapon with little use except causing complete mayhem, then this could be the group for you..
Join up HERE
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Ah teenage Goths. For years one of our fave kicking groups, these soot-hired nobbers are at it again by the sound of it, this time in sunny Boston, MA. For the past few days spooookily named headmaster Lynne Moone Teta, of the city’s prestigious Latin School, has been busily informing the world’s finest news organisations (that would be us…) that there are no, repeat NO vampires attending the school. According to one student:
”Students believe that they are vampires and today when a student was bitten the police were informed, I heard that one girl was arrested another suspended.”
ES tried to contact Ms Teta for comment, but we were chased away from her castle by giant howling dogs. Personally, I blame ‘Twilight’.
LINK (BC)
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December 9, 2008 – 12:26 am
Hey octagenarian pimps! Tired of that pesky recoil when you try to pull off a drive-by in your mobility scooter? Annoyed that medicare insurance doesn’t cover your Gat? Too feeble to even lift a gun, but enjoy killing people anyway? Worry no more! News today that an American company (Of course) is busy trying to market a gun as a medical device. Aimed mainly at seniors (Who may or may not be suffering from dementia) the palm pistol is ideal if you’re suffering from arthritis or a similar debilitating condition. According to the corporate bullshit:
“It is also ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have limited strength or manual dexterity. Using the thumb instead of the index finger for firing, it significantly reduces muzzle drift, one of the principal causes of inaccurate targeting. Point and shoot couldn’t be easier.”
Limited manual dexterity. (Perhaps ifyou’ve yet to evolve an opposable thumb for example). Anyway, it’s never been easier to kill the staff at that crooked nursing home your kids stuck you in.
LINK (New Scientist)
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November 3, 2008 – 8:24 pm
It’s November. Now, this is officially the most boring fucking month since Februaury, when we all get colds and feel all wimpy because we just want to hide in bed until the sun comes back. Well, if you’re suffering from an absence of interest then it’s time to do something about it- thats right, it’s Tache time again! As we all know, true manly men are encouraged at this time of year to grow an abominate 70s style monstrosity on their top lip. Now, apparently this is to raise awareness of prostate cancer, but if you ask me it just raises awareness of how awesome cool a big furry tache can be! I myself am of the ginger persuasion, so I’m taking the opportunity to get that ‘Handle Bar’ look popularised in top 80s cartoon ‘Bravestarr’. You however, may wish to err more on the Ron Burgandy side of things. Whatever, get growing wimps!
PS:Don’t worry, I won’t be documenting my growth on here- that would be ridiculous…
LINK
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