Horrors Ov Nature: Zombie Spiders

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Ever find a spider in the bath tub? Here in Britain the common wolf spider is the single thing most likely to have me freaking out and screaming like a girly-girl, so it’s disheartening to learn that washing them down the plughole is no longer an option. Want to now why? Because THEY WON’T DIE!

Julien Petillon, of Rennes University in France recently decided to find out how long it takes to drown a spider-no one knows why, perhaps he’s just a complete bastard- so followed the logical path of inquiry and stuck them under water. Now, Spiders generally live for around 24 hours when submerged before finally carking it, and sure enough, that’s what happened. For a while anyway…

A little later the morbid Msr.Petillon checked on his ex-arachnids, only to find..they were running around quite happily. Scientists are assuming this means the little fiends can go comatose when the need arises, and then retuurn to life. I know better however. This means that every single incy-wincy spider i have ever washed down the drown, is still there, waiting to rise again…AS A ZOMBIE!!!

LINK (MSN)

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Film Review: Crank: High Voltage

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Y’know what’s good about Crank 2? It really doesn’t give a fuck. Plot, character development, and any sense of restraint is told to fuck off loudly, before being shot at. By some strippers. And a gang of bike riding leather boys. While on fire.

Don’t watch Crank 2 expecting subtlety. Expect a video game adaptation of a game that never existed, because that is what it is. Our hero, Chev Chelios (The Stath) runs about with an artificial heart, killing anyone in his way, and collecting power ups in the form of electricity to keep his ticker ticking. He’s occasionally joined by friends (Co-Op mode) including Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, his girlfriend and an accident involving toxic waste and a skeleton in Korea. (Bai Ling)

It’s fun. It really is. Occasionally, however it slows down for a second to catch up on some semblance of a story, which in contrast with the rest of the film, really, really drags. Which is sort of a bummer. My mind now wired for constant Stath on ethnic minority violence crying out for more headshots and beatings.

And the Stath is good. Despite portraying an adolescent fantasy cum sprite, he is likeable and manages to get through the film without annoying anyone in the slightest, more than can be said for his action hero contemporaries (the hardly illustrious bunch of Vin Diesel, Hugh Jackman and strangely, Christan Bale).

All in all, Crank: High Voltage is fucking ace. Unplug your brain, throw popcorn at your face and yell ‘Woo!’ when an angry unkillable Englishman with a metal heart rams a shotgun up somebody’s bottom.

Also – they have sex in public again. At a racetrack.

LINK (Official Site)

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Film Review: Star Trek

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Possibly fearing the full fury of fanboys everywhere, JJ Abrahms seems to have actually played it fairly safe with this latest reboot, keeping  for the most part, the uniforms, designs, aliens (look out for the Tribble!) that spawned the massive media juggernaut Trek became over the years, and while the bridge does look very Mac (Which is ridiculous..Bill Gates will obviously own the military in the future…), the most important theme-the relationship between Kirk and Spock ( don’t panic, McCoy gets a look in too) emerges unscathed.

The whole thing does suffer from a case of the set-ups, which is a shame because surely most people know who the hell these people are by now? But it’s carried out pacily with some nice touches (Personal fave is the solution to the Kobayashi Maru problem) to keep the hardcore happy.

Abrahms obviously learnt a thing or two from M.I:3 and the like, because here he doesn’t let the pace slacken for a moment. The intro sequence is nicely handled, and sets the tone for the rest of the film. The only downside is that things possibly stick a little too close to Trek lore, with the familiar (and slightly boring) time-travel problem making an unwelcome return (at least it isn’t set on a holodeck I suppose…), and giving Eric Bana little room to manoeuvre as the villain, who sadly lacks the cod-Shakespearian mouthing off that usually makes these guys so much fun. Basically, he’s just a miner from the future having a hissy fit, and while his advanced technology makes him a threat, his physical presence does not.

That said, Bana does the best he can with what he’s given,  and the rest of the cast all give solid performances-special kudos goes, surprisingly, to Karl Urban, who perfectly captures McCoys inherent gruffness, while Pine struggles manfully with Kirk, but manages to humanise him and make him slightly less of a dick who..leaves..spaces when..he..talks than before. Simon Pegg has at least one scene where he gets to act instead of being funny talking comic relief, and Chekov’s nuclear-wessel-powered Russki accent isn’t as annoying as it could have been.  Oh-and yes, Uhuru is hot, despite having underwear designed by the same people who built her bridge console, and we get a short scene where we finally realise that looking good in a mini isn’t the only reason she’s communications officer.

Speaking of design, the new ship looks great, managing to mix the classic lines with a more believable aesthetic that adds realism to the excellent space battles. (which also get an overhaul-less submarine-style tension, more Top Gun aerobatics), and the Romulan ship takes a strange cue from the hulk at the end of Burton’s ‘Planet of the Apes’, managing to look huge and cathedral like, and suitably alien, although why half of it is flooded is a mystery. Back on the enterprise it seems a bit weird that there are valves everywhere in engineering, but the gorgeous sound design makes up for the little quibbles, with all the necessary beeps and squeaks in place, adding to the primary coloured fun throughout.

All in all, it’s a great, fun adventure, and while it struggles to introduce everyone, it seems clear that this could be the space equivalent of Spider-Man/X_Men 1, with the pieces now in place for a far more impressive sequel to come. A great franchise movie, and one of the films of the summer to boot. Well worth boldly going to see.

LINK

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Just A Snifter

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When you spend as much time drinking in SoHo as Electric Spectre, any excuse for free booze is more than welcome, so big kudos to fancy-schmansy alcopop merchants Bompas & Parr, and their new venture in ‘alcoholic architecture’ -air that gets you drunk! Yep, get yo’ hipster ass down to Jellymongers, where, dressed in a polythene jumpsuit, you are cordially (ahem) invited to ‘breath responsibly’, as an alcohol laced mist fills your lungs – 40 minutes deep breathing equating roughly to a large Gin&Tonic.

As well as the spirit laced oxygen, there’s a single green bulb lighting the place, stewards with gasmasks, and muffled, thumping bass. Welcome to the official Electric Spectre bar!

LINK(B&P)

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Not The Spores!!!

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So, remember G.I.Joe (or, if you are from anywhere else in the world, Action Force) ? well the gung-ho group of Reaganite heroes, who once included a man named ‘Snow-Job‘ in their ranks, are back, this time courtesy of top revisioner/destroying your childhooder/internet Jesus Warren Ellis. See! How Snake Eyes is far more violent these days! Marvel! at how homoerotic the whole set-up is! Wonder! Where the hell Kobra Commander is?

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