Alright troops – listen up! Today we’re going to discuss how to turn time-travel, a scientific and explorative activity, into a set of deadly weapons designed to maim, murder and mutilate. Why you ask? Well, just for asking that I’m going to time-bomb you into a leper colony. That’s right douchebag, enjoy your leprosy.
As soon as new technology is developed, crazy people will start figuring out how it might be used in a combat situation. This is a natural and organic process, and we shouldn’t interfere. We can however speculate as to the wartime applications of time-travel technology. Read More »
No, not Blur the band! I ran out of enthusiasm for those guys the day I saw Graham Coxon’s segment on MTV Cribs. No, I’m talking about Blurthe vidyagame, from Bizarre Creations, and published by Activision. ‘Just another racing game?!’ I hear you cry — ‘no!’ I say, ‘this one has licensed vehicles and guns and fireballs and stuff!’
Yeah that’s right. Guns ‘n’ shit. Activision were kind enough to let us run a few laps in advance of the game’s release on May 28th, and we liked what we saw. Essentially it’s Read More »
Some people will drone on and on about time machines, and how we might build them, what they would look like and whether they would travel through time and space or merely through time. That is not what we will be discussing today. Today we’re talking about time-travel’s effect on history. It’s going to be fascinating, you’re all going to thank me, so let’s just get started.
Now, this is all very complicated and it’s possible to get waaaay too deep into this stuff, so we’re going to breeze lightly over the three main competing theories like a dandelion seed caught in an updraft. We’ll highlight the strengths and weaknesses of each theory, with examples from movies and TV all the way to help you out. By the end of this instructive series of tutorials you’ll be able to watch a film about time-travel and exclaim, “Hogwash and Poppycock! This film appears to subscribe to a flexible-history theory of time-travel and yet this paradox is one typically seen in a fixed-timeline scenario! I shall write to Ofcom, and they will understand and subscribe to my e-newsletter.” Read More »
Speaking of pre-order bonuses, when was the last time you turned up to grab a game on release day and found it was sold out? It’s not exactly a massive problem, right? The videogame industry is growing year on year, and retail chains are smart enough to order exactly one metric fucktonne (MFt) of every new release to ensure every braying customer desperate to fork over their hard earned cashola gets a chance to do so.
Really, there’s no need to pre-order games, apart from the awesome pre-order bonuses. Statues, art books, the little accessories that give you a warm shiver — they’re worth the extra effort, and it’s why people still pre-order. For awesome stuff.
Not bits of linen with faces printed on.
EDIT: Also, those guys should clean up their apartment. Popcorn and old takeaway flyin’ all over the shop. Also also, why aren’t they playing Street Fighter? They just got the game right?!
OK guys, I have a splitting headache right now so I don’t want any fuss, alright? Right. Now everybody sit down and listen, because here be wisdom. TIME WISDOM. (The best kind)
Everybody wonders why, if time-travel is one day possible, we don’t see time-travellers running around in space-lycra every day, messing stuff up and generally being time-vandals. Sceptics will tell you that the fact that we don’t see time-travellers today proves that time-travel will never be invented. These people should shut up.
There are a couple of ways we might counter such joyless scepticism, but I’m only going to give you one today, because frankly the other one is so amazing it’s going to make me astoundingly rich one day, and I don’t feel like giving the secret recipe for fame and glory away for free online. As such, you get the slightly less incredible version. I stress slightly less incredible because it’s still going to blow your mind, so you might wanna put down a towel or something before reading on… Read More »
